Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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