T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize