if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just pee around me
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
