Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
