the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
