I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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