I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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