Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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