woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
