if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
babies were throwing up all over the place
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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