mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
