I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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