just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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