I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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