yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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