So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
