there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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