How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
