Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She's the barista slut.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The Olympian is in my bed
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