I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
