If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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