Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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