My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
