party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Every concussion has its silver lining
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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