i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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