hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
