it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
