whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
