I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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