wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
