apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
