You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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