I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
