where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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