Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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