im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
