i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you would pick up someone in the library
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
