Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
