Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
