The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
