just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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