If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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