i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
