Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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