He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
