New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
