The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
