glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
