my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
