Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
