3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
